In connection with the parenting of adult children, the need to build character and their willingness to accept responsibility is paramount as a life skill for older children, which should start when the children are young; as children earn items of interests and/or suffer the consequence when the child does a mediocre job or is defiant. These lessons are difficult for parents since parents do not want their children to suffer, but understand that life's decisions will result in the benefits and/or the consequences of those choices; and therefore; it is prudent to enact tough love-when their children needs disciplining and training. The lessons for adult children often involve higher end items such as cars, motorcycles, possibly rent, purchasing a house, and like items; and therefore the understanding of "Contracts" is vital. James Lehman LSW has also done articles which one can turn to for additional insight through Empowering Parents.
Definition of contract:
1. an agreement between two or more parties for the doing or not doing of something
2. an agreement enforceable by law.
3. the written form of such an agreement.
4. the division of law dealing with contracts.
7. the formal agreement of marriage; betrothal.
14. to incur, as a liability or obligation:to contract a debt.
15. to settle or establish by agreement:to contract an alliance.
16. to assign (a job, work, project, etc.) by contract:The publisher contracted the artwork.
17. to enter into an agreement with:to contract a free-lancer to do the work.
18. to enter into (friendship, acquaintance, etc.).
Origin of contract
1275–1325; (noun) Middle English (< Anglo-French) < Latin contractus undertaking a transaction, agreement,equivalent to contrac-, variant stem of contrahere to draw in, bring together, enter into an agreement (con-con- + trahere to drag, pull; cf. traction) + -tus suffix of v. action; (v.) < Latin contractus, past participle of contrahere
Related forms con·tract·ee, nouncon·tract·i·ble, adjectivecon·tract·i·bil·i·ty, con·tract·i·ble·ness, noun con·tract·i·bly, adverbnon·con·tract, adjectiveo·ver·con·tract, verb (used with object)post·con·tract, nounre·con·tract, verb (used with object)
Young adults, without fully developed brains and highly distorted thought processes, often feel entitled and that the parent owes them their free ride even when they are chronologically adult age. Therefore their acceptance of contracts is viewed as mere formality and that regardless of their choice to keep their half of the agreement or not; they will still get their item listed in the contract without consequences; other than the usual and expected parent's voice of concern or anger when the parent is saddled with the payments.
Parents must make it clear that should default occur on the child's end; then the consequences and losses that are strictly and clearly stipulated in the contract will prevail- due to the bad choice of the child. It also must be clear that-in case of purchase; then this is a business transaction and will be considered as such (as if this was not a child and parent relationship)-so that the child learns to be responsible for their signing of any contract.
Children are then responsible to read the contract and to acknowledge that they comprehend such consequences prior to agreeing to sign. Once signed, then both parties are subject to the terms of the contract. If the adult child defaults then the parent is liable to following through with the terms that result in loss of the item within the contract so that the child learns the important lesson that they are responsible for their choices; the good choices would have earned them their item-and the bad choices would earn them their consequences. If the parent fails in standing firm; then the parent reinforces irresponsible and dependency character of their adult child. If however the parent actually parents correctly-the parent must understand that the child is most likely to rebel and blame the parent for whatever the consequences that they experience due to their lack of character, distortions of thought, and defense mechanisms of denial. projection, mis-attribution of blame.
Parents must be aware that their child can be most vengeful, angry, and hurtful-and can use the only thing that they can control to hurt their parent-at this juncture-and be willing to accept that consequence while they stand firmly on trying to teach their child to be responsible adults. This may mean that the parent is disowned; that the child will trash their parent to others; that the child who may have children can withhold their children from their grandparents; and also the child can become aggressive towards the parent and other family members who may not agree with the adult child's false interpretation of their consequence of their wrongful choice to default. If parents back down and enable their child at this point of time-then the parent has reinforced their child's rebellion and irresponsible behavior.
Therefore many parents chose not to enter into such an agreement due to the risks-and refuse to bail their children out of the consequences that they incur when they default with others instead (which still may lead to such rebellious aftermath if the child is of an entitled mindset and believes that the parent's role is to bail them out regardless of their behavior).
As I grew up and was provided a loan by my parents or grandparents; I knew one thing-that if I did not honor this contract or loan and repay it with interest as I promised-then I would no longer have this door of opportunity open again should I find myself in need of it. It was a time for me to prove myself as responsible and to find favor. My family were wise in how they rendered such lessons for me to grow. It first began with small amounts of money (300-500) and as I proved to be responsible-then they were willing to risk larger investments for me. With each success-my parents learned that they had nothing to fear since no matter the hardships that I was confronted with; even things that I had not accounted for; then I would make sure that my contract with them was taken care of-even if it meant I worked more hours or a second job.
Therefore, the benefits were plenty for us both who were in the contract. They received constant payments with interest for their family home and an apartment complex and the pride that their child was honorable-and I received self respect, competence, wisdom, and the products purchased. This disclosure only confirms that parents and children can enter into such contracts when both are understanding the terms and are willing to honor the contract. My parents had seen responsible behavior with less duties and agreements prior with each of their children and treated each transaction as a business; and we knew that they would hold each of us accountable prior to deciding to enter into any agreement with them. If we fail, then we would have the just consequences to endure. I believe that this is key.
Even with this absolute knowledge however; a child who believes that they are entitled and who is unable to take responsibility due to emotional immaturity and their cognitive immaturity-may still hear the warnings, read the conditions, enter into the agreement-then default and blame the parents for their consequence and the price of that can be most hurtful to both child and parent-as the child hurts with their delusional beliefs and the parent suffers the vengeful retaliation and loss of their family.
If or when the child or parent find themselves in pain over this or a like issue-and if either cannot forgive the other's perceived unfair behavior-then it is most advised to seek counseling with a professional to help both to come to a less distorted perception and a state of forgiveness. Only then can the family be restored. At this time, the less people who have been pulled into the conflict with possible false beliefs as to who is at fault-then the easier the transition. Fault is not the issue at this juncture since now we have a fractured and hurting family to heal. Others may then become a hindrance with healing if they are there with blame and harsh judgment towards the other; and it will need to be resolved with appropriate boundaries so that the outsiders will accept the decision of the need to forgive and to heal.
I am here to assist any family who is suffering with this issue. Call and make an appointment: 423-790-4906-speaking with our Office Manager, Steve.