Heal and Hope Counseling Services:
By: Glyndora Condon MS MFT LPC
In 1960 a good 72 % of couples were married yet today and in today’s culture, the number is half. Many myths are believed by the younger culture. First let us review a few of these myths:
1. Nobody marries any more since it is an obsolete concept.
Please tell me what young woman does not dream of being a princess married to a handsome prince, treasured and loved for a life time? There were millions of viewers watching the royal wedding. It appears that more are interested than one may think.
2. Why would anyone want to be tied to the same old person? It is far more exciting and better to love the one you are with and have options!
Science states differently. It appears that marriage renders longer lives, better and more satisfying sex, less mental health issues, healthier bodies, and more contentment as each learn to grow with the experience of responsibility, commitment, and selflessness.
3. One should test the goods before marriage to be sure that one is satisfied with who they are going to marry. After all, how would one know that this one is the right one without first tasting from many, and trying this one also?
Science also proves with vast research that sex prior to marriage and/or cohabitation without marriage first-prior to marriage is a bad idea and does not result in the expected rationalization used by those who believe the myth. In fact, the opposite is true. Commitment is most always absent along with the level of trust when people first cohabitate. Sex is not as good and often there is a higher chance of infidelity and divorce when premarital sex and cohabitation is engaged within.
4. Marriage is to make me happy.
Wrong. If one goes into a marriage with this expectation then one places extreme pressure on their spouse who would not ever be able to measure up to this. Both are humans and will make mistakes. No one can be on call to be at the other’s beckon call 24/7. It is sort of like trying to place two ticks together without a dog…and each will devour the other as expectations go unmet and blame is their fault for my unhappiness! But, God reveals that a man who finds himself a good wife has found a good thing.
5. Others question frequently, how can I be sure that this is the right person for me?
This is not the question we should ask. The real question is, how can I make myself the right person? If I concentrate on making myself to resemble the woman who is as precious as a pearl and who works to build her mate, while being supportive and giving; called blessed one day by her children; then that right mate will see my light and will make his light evident. However, to be sure that one is not the wrong person, then do not rush into a relationship. Give each other time to witness each at their worse, angry at least 12 times, and to know the real character. How are they with earning finances, commitment, stewardship, their parents and siblings, their faith, their integrity and trustworthiness, keeping their word, dependability, responsibility, owning their stuff, taking care of their self and things? How are they with you, your family, rules, and communication? Only time can give you an accurate picture of the other. When rushed, we often are swept away with a delusion that has been put forth to deceive us. Many abused women will attest that perpetrators rush them into sex, pregnancy, ownership of property with them, and/or marriage so that they have you trapped before they begin showing their true self.
6. Many today believe that God is fictitious and outdated as well. Some believe that believers have to be ignorant and gullible and do not believe that a relationship that is strong with God is important to their marriage. Wrong. One does have to ask some important questions.
What is their true relationship with God? Are they solid in faith? Do they involve themselves in the Lord’s work? Do they pray daily with you, during difficulty, during times of achievement and give Him credit?
If the answer is difficult to discern then one may need to work together to help increase this relationship and to recommend that God should be center foremost in their relationship with each other. Men who are focused on God and who are trying to love their wives as Christ loved his church-will make awesome husbands who will work diligently as they seek God’s guidance during good times and bad. Wives who love their Lord will also work to respect and love her husband. The world’s version of marriage is frivolous and based upon a quitter’s mentality. If it is not good then divorce and get another. But Science again states that a marriage that weathers the hard time and perseveres will find their marriage better and stronger as they climb out together on the other side. It is the difficult times that forge the marriage. Each grow closer to each other and respect each other more when forced into an almost impossible situation that they have to work together to climb out of. Many divorced individuals often wish that they had persevered instead of quitting.
7. The in-laws do not matter.
Wrong. In-laws do matter. Respect is absolutely necessary between the in-laws and the groom and bride. In-laws must realize that their son or daughter does not love them any less that they ever loved them but that they are to encourage and support their child to love their mate more; otherwise the marriage and the children will experience much more difficulty as the in-laws attempt to meddle. If asked then they can only advise yet respect that their child will make their own decision. And when there is a problem, each child needs to speak to their own parent-not the their in-law about the boundaries that are needed to enforce or create.
8. Men do not want to be married.
Wrong, men marry quicker after a divorce and/or death of a spouse on average and women tend to be more content single longer on average according to research.
9. Women do not like sex.
Wrong, Women do like sex but often do take longer to be prepared for intercourse. Women loves affection and the time that helps her to be able to receive her mate. When her mate embraces this opportunity to caress her and seeks her satisfaction with patience then he will achieve a higher satisfaction as well.
Readers Digest may say an average frequency of sex per week for a married couple is 2.1 % whereas; Ripley’s believe it or not-may be seeking a world’s record…and all individuals have several factors that create individual preferences and/or limitations. Therefore each will need to be honest as they disclose their wants, fears, and limitations and work with each other for a suitable solution that will respect both.
10. I need a mother or father for my children (if single or divorced) and therefore must marry.
Marrying for the children is not reason to marry. Children will be leaving the nest in time and then one is with someone who may or may not meet the real needs of the parent. In addition, step parents add a new dimension and issues to the family. Children are often jealous of the attention that the new spouse is receiving and do not know how to adjust often. The parent and spouse need to be in love and in sink with each other for the right reasons and help prepare the children should the couple choose to marry. It is advised to seek a counselor to help the parent and spouse to come to terms as to the parenting responsibilities, visitations, and other like issues that are unique to blended families prior to uniting in marriage.