Updated: Aug 24, 2019
By Glyndora Condon MS MFT LPC speaking about how to break negative patterns and how to embrace brokenness.
Negative patterns of breaking relational boundaries: Emotional, Physical, and Social; derive from much more than only breaking the rules. This occurs with character flaws that were cultivated in early childhood. Such flaws lack the ability to discern, wisdom, integrity, honesty, dependability, responsibility, and like positive characteristics that create healthy relationships. As these boundaries are violated due to lack of character, substance abuse, poor parental modeling of domestic abuse, and/or other dysfunctional behaviors and thought processes-then the victim/target learns to allow violations or to themselves become a violator. They seek those opposite of them to either control or to be controlled by. The ensuing fallout results in relational, unstable dynamics. During this time; one cannot see the truth as to what others or they are doing that continues the cycle.
Often, we try when we are hurting to find out why we keep doing this or allowing that-and are filled with guilt that was imposed upon us or due to our own coercive maneuvers of others to control them or our circumstance; focused on ME. Each time we may even look to God and cry as we try to give our burden to Him to fix; but we are impatient as we want to feel better right now! We promise changes and attempt a surface change yet our hearts are still self-focused, and our thoughts are plagued with distortions. Within only a few weeks, we have slipped back into the cycle of control and blame anything and anyone. We plead for second and third chances and promise to stop our self-injurious and high-risk behaviors, while flirting with the things, people, and other triggers or situations that keeps us addicted to the comfortable pattern that we understand even when we hate it. We break relationships. We first break the relationship with our center, God. He becomes a convenience as we try to see where we can fit Him in our busy and chaotic lives. Then we learn to seek our own wants and desires and become willing to disrespect others as we run towards the thoughts and choices that cause our own and other’s demise as we continue chasing after happiness; which is a fleeting and ever moving target; and often requires our controlling the uncontrollable.
Brokenness does not plead for the second chance; it accepts its responsibilities and the consequences that occurred as we ruthlessly sought our own pleasures at the risk of everything good, divine, sacred, and true. Brokenness pleads for mercy and takes joy in being forgiven even during the pain. King David, as he sinned with Bathsheba, then sinned when he had her husband murdered in order to hide the fact that King David had impregnated her while she was married to another who was faithfully serving King David at the time. Adultery and murder was carried by David, who felt guilty yet was not willing to accept the consequences as he sought to protect himself. Nathan had to go and expose King David to his own wickedness of heart and behaviors and then; only then-did King David experience real brokenness. Even so, he still had the consequences of his sin that followed and he had to endure and to persevere.
Peter felt guilty when he denied the Lord, but when he saw the Lord had known that he did deny Him three times as it was prophesied. At this time, he was broken and spent his life proclaiming Christ to the world; regardless of the cost to himself. It was brokenness which was able to break through the arrogance, faithlessness, greediness, pride-fulness, lustfulness, and allow the Truth to be seen…Brokenness causes us to mourn OUR choices and character flaws that then fuels our choice to stop offending God or others; to persevere through our consequences that we pulled upon ourselves; and to place our story into the LIGHT to reveal its ugliness and its own perils that it brought onto us and those around us. As we trace our life story, our history, our choices to turn from integrity and wholesomeness; purity, godliness-and as we sought our own selfish desires-and as it patterned to guilt, then to asking for second chances again; then the struggle to rebuild trust; only to fall back again….we find that we were not good pilots of our life. We were not even good co-pilots. We were out of control.
Please refer to Psalms 51:10-17, and then to Nehemiah, and read of these accounts. Neh. 9:1-33, 1 John 1:10, Galatians 3:26, 27 and read of their stories of guilt, brokenness, obedience, and choices to be faithful. They and we are to pray for mercy and wisdom. We must seek truth and be in the light. We must assume personal responsibility, affirm God’s goodness, and His right to parent us, even with consequences that we chose when we turned against Him. We must approach God not on our own merit but upon Jesus’s merit as we seek forgiveness and know we will be cleansed due to Christ’s story.
How and why God puts up with me? How can He love me? Why does God remain faithful to me? Love is why and how, and Jesus is the only Way.
In counseling, we help provide a light as we teach cognitive tools that aid our understanding so that we can take our thoughts captive and then process them to alleviate the emotional bondage. We teach character building techniques. We teach communication and social skills that keep boundaries intact. We assist with brokenness but then follow that with real hope. The healing is dependent upon us walking together in this process as our clients’ re-center upon God and work towards relationship builders. Do you wish to break the negative patterns? If so-then we can find truth and that truth will help you crush those bonds and establish better coping tools and stronger relationships that give.